a little visit with mom...and a little time with God

Be warned. This is deep. And a little painful. But it ends on a happy note, so read on if you like. Just don't say I didn't warn you. :)

If you've read this post, you may have gathered that I don't have much of a relationship with my mom. Well, last week I had a chance to spend nearly two whole days with her. I have to admit I was a little scared. Okay a lot scared. I thought of staying home, but my sister needed my support so I went. Here's some of the good and bad that followed:

First, it is important for me to say that I do not hate my mother. I do not resent her, nor do I blame her for anything that is "off" in my own life. This is not an "oh I can't stand that woman" type of post.

I love my mother...a fact that often blows up in my face when I'm around her.

You see, my mother is...broken. After years of misfortune, bad decisions, lack of support, and an outright abuse of several types of medication, my mom is a shell of the person she once was. Each time I see her I am hopeful I will see a glimpse of the woman who was strong enough to raise me on her own for several years before she began her descent. Last week, before we arrived in South Carolina for my sister's basic training graduation, I was filled with so much...hope. Hope that since mom was sober when I talked to her on the phone she would be okay when I saw her. Hope that she would not come with a week's supply of pills for only two days. Hope that she would be my mom in the way I remember her before all this and not some broken, pitiful, incompetent woman that I am obligated to spend time with.

Keep in mind that the only hope that does not disappoint is found in Christ...because this particular hope of mine was certainly shattered. And yet I am not terribly upset or disappointed. Specifically because Christ does not disappoint.

I believe God can use even the smallest things to reach my heart. Sometimes it becomes clear to me that I believe that in my head and not so much in practice. Of course, that fact is clearest when He does break through my little human fog to reach into my heart. Such was the case as I sat outside our hotel near Fort Jackson, waiting for my uncle to arrive with my mom. He had already warned me of her slightly incapacitated state (yes that's an understatement) and I could feel the anxiety brewing in the pit of my stomach. Not just butterflies, mind you, but large, heavy boulders of dread...the kind that make you feel hot from the inside out and force you to consider losing your dinner on the sidewalk. I sat in my car for nearly an hour, waiting while they stopped for food and made the final leg of the trip.

Why would one sit in a car in the South Carolina heat for an hour without going inside the hotel? Fear. And what does one do for an hour in the car? Watch the people swimming in the hotel's pool; read through Ephesians chapter 3, which talks about the unfathomable love of Christ; and listen to music that I honestly was not in love with. Out of boredom...and lack of good radio stations. While I'm sitting in my car worrying and not-listening to The Best of the Gaither Vocal Band, volume 1, a slightly familiar song begins. I recognize the chorus, but I would never have pulled that particular song out of the back of my mind for any purpose.

Until now.

Here are the words I heard, sung by Michael English:

Lily of the Valley, let your sweet aroma fill my life
Rose of Sharon show me how to grow in beauty in God's sight
Fairest of ten thousand make me a reflection of your light
Daystar shine down on me let your love shine through me in the night

Lead me Lord, I'll follow...anywhere you open up the door
Let your word speak to me, show me what I've never seen before
Lord I want to be your witness, you can take what's wrong and make it right
Daystar shine down on me, let your love shine through me in the night

Lord I've seen a world that's dying, wounded by the master of deceit
Groping in the darkness, haunted by the years of past defeat
But when I see you standing near me, shining with compassion in your eyes
I pray Jesus shine down on me let your love shine through me in the night

Lead me Lord, I'll follow anywhere you open up the door
Let your word speak to me, show me what I've never seen before
Lord I want to be your witness, you can take what's wrong and make it right
Daystar shine down on me, let your love shine through me in the night

That second verse is in bold because it was almost like a description of my relationship with my mom--she is certainly wounded by the master of deceit, groping in the darkness, and haunted by her years of past defeat. And, having placed my trust in Jesus Christ, I am the one who sees Him standing near with compassion in his eyes. After I heard this song...and heard it again...and heard it again, my worry seemed to scamper off and hide in the corner because a great light had been shed on the purpose behind this little gathering we were about to have. It was not a chore. It was not a horrific, terrifying, dreadful encounter with someone I would just as soon not involve in my life. It was not destined for disaster. It was an opportunity. Because you see, my life is blessed...and it is beautiful. But it is that way because the Lord proclaimed it so. I did not earn my husband or his salary. I did not earn the most beautiful children in the world (yes, they are). I did not earn my college education. I did not earn what little bit of the knowledge of God I posess. I have been granted each of these things because of His grace and mercy and it is now my responsibility to take the love He has lavished upon me and pour it out to a fallen world so that they might have life...and have it more abundantly.

My mother does not need me to tell her she is screwing up her life. In times of heartfelt honesty, she has told me that herself. She does not need me to preach to her or guilt-trip her (yeah, that's a verb) about the ways I think she failed as a mother. She does not need me...at all. She needs Jesus. And I know Him. Matthew says to us in the New Testament: "let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your father in heaven" (Matthew 5:16). So my mission is this: shine. Radiate a blinding light that no one can deny comes from God himself. Do I know how to do this? I haven't the foggiest. But I have my instruction manual. And I have a never-ending supply of all-sufficient grace. And that's an excellent place to start.

Were those two days a picnic? No. Was my mom a disappointment in the way she acted? Yes. But did I spend my time ignoring her, resenting her, or even outright hating the fact that she was with me? No. Why? I'm so glad you asked. Because in order for her to see love, I must be for her what she can not be for herself. I must not come with standards for her to live up to...because really, which of us measures up to the Father's expectations? And I must be the light she lacks in her life. After all, I can do all things...through Christ, who strengthens me.