Turning a Corner...

I am beginning to sense that my life is changing. I feel as though I am stepping out of something...

icky.

Now, to be clear, I am not into pop psychology nor am I overly emotional about things; but I have always looked at my life and my actions in a sort of metacognitive way. I enjoy reasoning out the why behind the way I feel about things, the overall direction of my life...I'm sort of a "big picture" person, I think. At least, that's how it is in my mind, anyway. So back to the changing...

I believe now that the time we spent living in Carthage was very dark for me. I was isolated. I was an outsider to the people in our church. And I was miserable. It was during our time there that Chris and I fought--really fought--for the first time. Little by little, I stopped being the patient, understanding parent I had been since Luke was born. I became reactive, and many times over-reactive, to my children. And while I complained to people about living 30 minutes from Wal-Mart and knowing hardly anyone who had a college degree, there was a much bigger problem: I could not bring my faltering life to God. In my mind, He had led us away from home and to this place where there was no sense of worship, no sense of community (for us), and no sense of hope in our ability to actually minister there. But He had led us there. Why should I be losing it? The confusing problems I saw transforming my life were mine to bear alone because I let them be that way, and I continued to slip further and further away from the life God had spent so many years bringing me to.

And then, after so much darkness, it seemed there was light. We had Adam, which was the first thing that truly brought me happiness since we left Durham. Then in December I received a phone call from Stan McLean, a man from some church looking for a pastor. I thought to myself, This poor man is barking up the wrong tree. Because as unhappy as we were, we had dedicated ourselves to not search out a new church. Then the doors opened. And opened. And opened. Stan became our new best friend! We met people from Green Springs and bonded instantly. The music was...amazing. Amazing. I once wept through a service at Grey Stone because I had come to the realization that I would never again experience music like I had there. Now, I look forward to Sunday morning with great anticipation because I get to sing with people who are led by the Holy Spirit, people who have absolute passion for the Lord. It is honestly a completely different experience and I can't even begin to compare the two anymore.

This weekend I went to a Women's Ministry Leadership training given by the Baptist State Convention. There was a lady there who reminded me a lot of a dear friend from Durham--very outgoing, very to-the-point, very sweet. I was relating to the ladies at my table my newfound joy in our church and she immediately said, "You have a newness for the Lord." And like Archimedes overflowing his bath water, I wanted to shout "EUREKA!"

Long story short: Valleys have their purpose. They make mountains.

Random Observations...

Two things stick out in my mind this morning:

1) I was changing Adam's diaper, which happened to be full of nasty stuff. In full appreciation of the moment, I said, "Yuck!" Adam, being the little mimic he is, tried to repeat my observation. This whole thing was very cute except for the fact that he can't say /y/, so his version came out as something extremely inappropriate!

2) Why is it that having a morning shower is an automatic signal to my kids to make poop??? Every time we wash them, they just dirty up their little buns again as soon as we're done! Everyone had a shower this morning (at one point or another, not all at once), and all the little ones in this house have since put out their share of stink--a pattern I've noticed for a while. Maybe it's just me, but when I clean something I don't want to see that on it for at least a few hours!

Welcome to the world of mom...accompanied by a glimpse into my somewhat-goofy mind. :)

Morning Fun = Afternoon Snack

Today was a milestone. We had random strangers at our house for a playdate! Three ladies and their kids came over for a coupon swap/playdate thing. All the kids were girls (bless Adam's little heart) and it was very apparent that Sara Beth is not used to sharing her things. She wanted everyone to see what she had to play with...just don't touch it! As awkward as I can be sometimes around new people this actually went pretty well. They even liked my chicken pie, which I thought was going to be a little iffy since I was minus a few ingredients. Once we started talking coupons, though, I could tell two of the ladies thought I was a little over-the-top. Good thing I didn't actually show them my stockpile! On their way out, one little girl even asked to come back. Sweet!

Now that they're gone, I'm not sure if I'm hyped on adrenaline (because everything went so smoothly) or sugar (because I've fallen prey to this package of Fudge Stripes). Must...put...cookies...away...

Why I'm an Insomniac

Today I learned that someone I know reads my blog! This makes me a tad bit nervous, despite the fact that I created it for exactly that purpose. At least I can be sure my puny little blog isn't taking up much of her time (so far)!

After determining to go to bed at midnight, I am now working on a post at precisely 11:57 pm. So much for that. I really do realize that going to bed earlier would be greatly beneficial to me, but the quiet and the solitude of the late night hours at our house are just so...magical. When the kids are in bed (and sleeping, not just in bed) and Chris falls asleep on the couch I can watch whatever I like on the television, stalk whomever I please on Facebook, and spend as much time on Hot Coupon World as I can take. Oh, and I can do weird things like Google my high school band director and eat the brownie I bought Sara Beth today at Chick-fil-A, which has since been long forgotten.

So what does one do with no kids or husband to interrupt? Post on my soon-to-be-not-so-secret blog, apparently. At the same time, I'm watching 18 Kids and Counting on DV-R. The Duggars, who are biological parents to 18 children, are braving an ice storm. Considering the size of their family, this is a huge deal for them. I've been fascinated with this family for some time now--I even put their book, The Duggars: 20 and Counting, on my Christmas list this past year. After reading it, I realize Michelle and Jim-Bob (yes, that's his real name) have an incredible heart for the Lord and how hard they work to ensure that heart is implanted in each of their children. Most of us know the Bible says children are a blessing from the Lord, but the Duggars really challenge me in my belief of that statement. How many times to I complain about my children as if the amount of difficulty they bring to my life somehow outweighs my joy in simiply seeing their little smiles? I realize that we are created as individuals and each person allows various amounts of stuff to interfere with their devotion and willingness to serve God, but I often envy this particular couple's dedication to not only live out but also find effective ways to pass on the legacy of a life truly open to God's leading.

Well, 33 minutes after my intended bedtime I'm still awake. And still typing. Shame on me. :)