Turning a Corner...

I am beginning to sense that my life is changing. I feel as though I am stepping out of something...

icky.

Now, to be clear, I am not into pop psychology nor am I overly emotional about things; but I have always looked at my life and my actions in a sort of metacognitive way. I enjoy reasoning out the why behind the way I feel about things, the overall direction of my life...I'm sort of a "big picture" person, I think. At least, that's how it is in my mind, anyway. So back to the changing...

I believe now that the time we spent living in Carthage was very dark for me. I was isolated. I was an outsider to the people in our church. And I was miserable. It was during our time there that Chris and I fought--really fought--for the first time. Little by little, I stopped being the patient, understanding parent I had been since Luke was born. I became reactive, and many times over-reactive, to my children. And while I complained to people about living 30 minutes from Wal-Mart and knowing hardly anyone who had a college degree, there was a much bigger problem: I could not bring my faltering life to God. In my mind, He had led us away from home and to this place where there was no sense of worship, no sense of community (for us), and no sense of hope in our ability to actually minister there. But He had led us there. Why should I be losing it? The confusing problems I saw transforming my life were mine to bear alone because I let them be that way, and I continued to slip further and further away from the life God had spent so many years bringing me to.

And then, after so much darkness, it seemed there was light. We had Adam, which was the first thing that truly brought me happiness since we left Durham. Then in December I received a phone call from Stan McLean, a man from some church looking for a pastor. I thought to myself, This poor man is barking up the wrong tree. Because as unhappy as we were, we had dedicated ourselves to not search out a new church. Then the doors opened. And opened. And opened. Stan became our new best friend! We met people from Green Springs and bonded instantly. The music was...amazing. Amazing. I once wept through a service at Grey Stone because I had come to the realization that I would never again experience music like I had there. Now, I look forward to Sunday morning with great anticipation because I get to sing with people who are led by the Holy Spirit, people who have absolute passion for the Lord. It is honestly a completely different experience and I can't even begin to compare the two anymore.

This weekend I went to a Women's Ministry Leadership training given by the Baptist State Convention. There was a lady there who reminded me a lot of a dear friend from Durham--very outgoing, very to-the-point, very sweet. I was relating to the ladies at my table my newfound joy in our church and she immediately said, "You have a newness for the Lord." And like Archimedes overflowing his bath water, I wanted to shout "EUREKA!"

Long story short: Valleys have their purpose. They make mountains.